33 knock knock knocking on
The front door
Fuck it mang
Was a time 18 seemed impossible
Soon after that
21 seemed a fucking laugh
Booze
Drugs
Poor diet
Poor outlook
Depression
Anxiety
Panic
Pessimism
Homelessness
Hopelessness
Drunkenness
Greyhound-hopping cross-country
4 or 5 times
Suicidal tendencies
I did have a son
Somewhere in between all that
Only thing I lost in that process was the suicidal tendencies
33 is 22 or 11
Or 4
Or 6
For all I give a fucking hells ass
Out-living Jesus amuses me
Dont ask me why
I spent my last birthday watching a band I opened for at 15 years old
Being amused at their gray hairs and stage hobbling
Not to say I wouldnt fucking LOVE still being up there
Playing shit ass shows
Getting paid in beers and booze
But its not to be
I caved in
Buckled under
Kneeled down
Parted my cheeks
Genuflected
Bent over backwards
In other words
Allowed the vile stank of conformity to rape my asshole
Without the courtesy of a reach-around
Dont get me wrong
Im still a fucking hapless loser
But
A hapless loser that does a damned good job of taking care of my kid
Not that that lifts my spirits every minute of the day
Not that that is carrying me through the hard times
Being a great father does not magically whisk me away from the way my family treats me
If anything it reinforces the aggravation towards the fact that they FUCKED UP
ARE fucked up
And are STILL fucking up
Fucking ME up
Fucking my kid up
Fucking my family unit up
Such is fucking life
Luckily these 33 years have taught ME to depend on ME
Myself
I
What they DIDNT teach me
Is making myself available for another breathing living half of me that I cant fucking let down
I cant let him down
I wont let him down
Never
As far as my Father goes
I dont have much to aim for besides not fucking hanging myself
In a garage
Before my kids first birthday
Well I can fucking check that one off....here I am
Though I had a great man step in when I was 3 and it took me until 30 to realize that
Such is this shit-ball life
Such is any fucking life in this fucked up world
I will not give up my contempt for society
Even if I will try to teach my son not to feel that way
It seems hypocritical
I realize this
But its my upbringing
And my choice
That makes me this way
I strive to teach my son to love everyone
And honestly
My contempt
Does not rule out
My love
For my fellow man or woman
I have never hated anyone
In my 33 years
Truly and honestly hating someone
Is as alien to me as webbed feet on a boar
Disappointment is the better term
And trust me I feel that fucking
Disappointment
Every day of my life
But you grin
You bear it
You move on
You drink
You punch walls
You go for long walks
You talk to weirdos on the street
You dance around with your kid
You sing fucking disney songs
You fucking do
Whatever it is you need
To do
Because now
And for the rest
Of my life
It aint all about ME
It is all about HIM
Now that I think about it
I HAVE
Painted my masterpiece.
