The Son Never Shines On Closed Doors

Happy Birthday
Mom
You did say
You wanted to spend your
50th
Far
Away
From everyone
Guess you fulfilled your own wish
How is Nevada?
All you cracked it up to be since you cracked up?
I hope so
Hows things?
Now that youve alienated us all?
Good I hope
Thats the fucked up part of it all
I should be a fucking wreck
The sad answer to it all
Is I was just standing in the kitchen
Upset that I finished my pint of Beam
Cracked another Pabst
And wanted nothing more than to cry
To cry over how youve fucked up
To cry because I miss you
To cry because youre my mother and not here
Like you havent been for some time
But more importantly
That you havent been here
For your grandson
He has just about forgotten you
He is lucky
He doesnt have to stand in the kitchen
Wanting nothing more
Than to cry
And not being able to
That
Is something
I wish on nobody
So
Happy
Birthday
Mom
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Wish you were my mother again
Wish you cared enough to care enough
But its not to be
So have a great day
If thats possible
Without me
Or your grandson
Then I should probably go back into the kitchen
And force the tears out
But they wont come
And I dont know if I should be upset about it
Or not.

Dishonor before Death (5-24-07)

9.75 times
Out of 10
Little is without a deeper meaning
When fully unlearned
The clocks hands
Indicate midnight
The chirping of cricket
The screaming child
The unfulfilled promise
The glory of the bullfrog
The futility
Of dreams
An uncut wrist
An unopened bottle
Work upon work
Tax upon tax
Dishonor
Before
Death
LUNGS
DROWNING
In blood
DROWNING
In booze
DROWNING
The pain
DROWNING
The life
DROWNING
Out the living
Honestly though....
What is a life worth lived?
Look around
What is seen?
Blind men
Fucking blind dogs
Blind dicks
PUKING
Bile and sputum
Unto lily white backs
Of children
Who never had a chance
STEEL RODS
Shoved into the pulse
Of
INNOCENCE
Until scared under the bed
To
FLAIL
In tears
And broken knuckles
365 DAYS OF NIGHT
PURPOSE
Is a bad 10 cent knock-knock joke
Told by a club footed
Special needs
Boy
YOU FUCKING REMEMBER HIM?
YOU REMEMBER ANY POOR HAPLESS BASTARD
THAT YOU FUCKED WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Even back then
He knew
What we are only now
Scratching the surface of
SPOONFULS OF HATE
Packed
Into cherry flavored suppositories
For your convenience
Make mine a DOUBLE
And leave the bottle
If I wanted to hear a weak-ass-cunt talk
I would look into the mirror
There he is now
Perpetually hung over eyes
Broken teeth
Same dumbfounded look in his eyes
For 33 fucking years
I hope
And pray
He dies in his sleep
BUT ONLY
After the most
FANTASTIC
Dream
Wakes him up
And he suddenly has
*PURPOSE*
And then...
BAM !!
GIVE IT TO HIM
SHARP
CRISP
UNDILUTED

UNRELENTING
CARDIAC ARREST
NO CHASER

*Ive never hated anyone but myself
BUT
That hate
Is carried on the wings of angels
Grinning sidekicks
In steel toed boots
KICKING me smartly in the ribs
Whenever I think
About feeling
Anything but depression
The misadventures of indiscriminate pill popping and huckleberry hallucinations
Veering off the road
While scratching at mosquito bites that dont exist
HEADLONG
INTO
NO
WAY
OUT
By way of neatly packaged
DEATH
TRIPS
Tied with red ribbons
Of disappointment
I have never met a person
That I didnt let down
Its become a sport
And Im a motherfucking MVP
It keeps on giving
And giving
And giving
And going
And going
And
Going
Like the constant chatter
Of too many people
Having too little
To say
Or myself
Having so much to say
But then
Suddenly
Stopping.

15 or so fucking years ago I was in a band called The Plague and my good friend and best friend for many years since 3rd fucking grade sang this shit out til he was red in the face...didnt help that we about doubled the time on it...hahaha.....Im sitting here almost re-discovering the song and REM....and loving it....but I do wish I could see fucking Wayne screaming it out....before the world of the internet when we sat in Phils bedroom all fucking day rewinding and rewinding the CASSETTE to figure out every lyric.....life has been fucking good....with memories like these how could it not be?

All My Love

K.O.

:]