today is today.

Lately
As of late
Its all about the stronger
Pull
The will to live
Or the will to die
No god(s)
Damned
Soul
Knows what the fuck is boiling
Roiling
Toiling
Soiling
Inside my fucking head
I should be locked up
Knocked up
Beaten the shit out of
But youre all too fucking weak to do anything about it
The signs have been there
86% of my life
Bury my head
'Tween my knees
I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANY OF YOU
I DONT FUCKING RELAE TO ANY OF YOU
I DONT FUCKING
K
N
O
W
ANY OF YOU
You all sit and fucking take it
The blistering
Day IN
DAY out
BULLSHIT
Of life
WHY?
Who amongst you has shown some initiative?
Who amogst you has shown some FIGHT?
Nun.
I drink til just the point of vomit
I listen to Slayer
Close my eyes
And when the spinning
Spins
I realize its time to eat something
And sleep
Reading into this will let you know my failures
I cant see anything through
To the point of vomit
Woe
Is
Fucking
Me
Fucking
Me
Is
Woe
Ask my wife
Snoring
Snoring
Snoring
Wedding rings?
Scattered about
Lost
Forgotten
Discarded
Fine
Papers and vows
Signatures
Big
Fucking
WHOOP
She can lie thru her fucking teeth
Better than me
Even though Im missing a shitload of mine
I used to have a
FAMILY
I now have me
And people that share my blood
Boiled down to brass tacks
Ass
Jacks
I cant fucking be them
I cant fucking be you
I cant be anything
Save for the twisted shit that I am
33 years of bucketloafs
Of people trying to make me them
Sorry
You sorry
Shits
I am me
As fucked and unacceptable
As I am to you
I am me
Will be me
And continue to be me
Thru all your protests
And pointing out of my short-comings
Fucking HURRAH for you
I dont care
And thats not flippant
I TRULY
DO
NOT
CARE
The shit that I care about
You could roll up and smoke
And get high for about :45 seconds
This will lead me out
This will lead me down sick diseased paths
Ive already been down them
They will not break me
YOU will not break me
Trust this
I can live without you
I cannot say the same for you
Happy
Halloween

+ + +

Aimless....Nameless....Boggle.

Grandparents
Haphazardly
Butchered
By pre-med students
High on low grade marijuana
And tequila
I drink on the cheap
Spider spinning web
On my graying eyebrow
Fuck this
And
Fuck
That
Lately
I dont know whether to wind my ass
Or shit my wristwatch
The sheer volume
Of negativity
That I grapple with
Each day
Is eating me alive
From the inside
Gnawing at my spleen
Wheres my spleen?
Laughter hurts
These days
The sarcastic glimmer in my spider inhabited eye
Is far and in between
Imagine if you will
A time amongst space
Away from here
F

A

R

Away from here
Where once lived a man
Brimming with positivity
Where now stands a stone
But even a stone sweats and expands
Expressing itself in the only way it can
I still listen to slayer
At least I got that going for me
Burying feelings has become an art
Easter eggs of hurt and pain and confusion
Scattered and buried amongst my gray matter
They say you cant go home
I know this now
Home is a four letter word
No
It really is
Count the letters
Family to me
As of late
Consists of mostly strangers
Boggles the mind
But
Boggle
Is too kind a word
If boggle meant
Splayed open and dissected
Consumed
Shat out
Dissected once more
Consumed
Vomited
Another dissection
And then pummeled with knuckles of brass
It would come closer to what Im trying to convey
And where has all this left me?
I work
Sleep when I can
Watch reality TV
And have become an avid fantasy football participant
I make myself sick
If boggle meant what I described above
I would boggle myself
Where the hell have I gone?
I mean
The real me
The myself that myself has become
Is not the myself that I envisioned
No fun
No fun
No fun
No
Fun
Cant even write an immortal poem
More than once or twice a year
Used to be one or two notebooks
A year
Ive given up
FUCKING
Given up man
Im trying to crawl out of it all
I swear to god(s) I am
But it dont come easy anymore
I dont even swat the spider out of my eyebrow
At least hes fucking doing something
And who am I to shit all over that?

What the fuck is it now?
June?
Again?
Was paging through my notebook
From last year
Amazing how little shit changes
Still warming my heart with bourbon
Still pacing the
Fucking
Yacht club
Still
Blatantly
Bored
Amazing how little shit changes in a year
But whats more amazing
And sad
Is that I dont appear to give a shit.

Guh.

When Everyone Thinks Youre an Asshole..then who is the real Asshole?

I accept this fact
As false as it may be
I mean
INDEED
I am truly an asshole
But not in the way I am painted
Day in
Day out
33 years of days
In my mind
The only one that
Doesnt
Think of me in those terms
Is my son
And I fear that he just hasnt been brainwashed
Into thinking that same way yet
Soon enough he will hear
The bullshit tossed around about me
With older ears
I pray he does not buy into it
Though Ive spent the better part of my life
Hoping
That those I care about
Dont buy into it
They do
They do
And then they fucking do some more
I got my fucking faults
No argument here
But as Ive said before
I wake up everyday
My only aim being to be happy
And hope that I bring happiness to those around me
I have learned the hard way
That its far easier to have that goal
Then to actually achieve it
But fuck it
When I believe in my
Heart
Head
And mythical soul
That I am doing all I can
Than it becomes everyone elses problem
If they think I aint
Easier
Written
Then
Believed
But Ill keep trying
To convince myself
That what I do is right
Those that disagree
Well
I guess its their right
Full of shit or not
Their perceptions are their reality
And mine are mine
Stalemate?
Probably
33 years have proved at least that.

Sums up just about...........ever'thing.

The Son Never Shines On Closed Doors

Happy Birthday
Mom
You did say
You wanted to spend your
50th
Far
Away
From everyone
Guess you fulfilled your own wish
How is Nevada?
All you cracked it up to be since you cracked up?
I hope so
Hows things?
Now that youve alienated us all?
Good I hope
Thats the fucked up part of it all
I should be a fucking wreck
The sad answer to it all
Is I was just standing in the kitchen
Upset that I finished my pint of Beam
Cracked another Pabst
And wanted nothing more than to cry
To cry over how youve fucked up
To cry because I miss you
To cry because youre my mother and not here
Like you havent been for some time
But more importantly
That you havent been here
For your grandson
He has just about forgotten you
He is lucky
He doesnt have to stand in the kitchen
Wanting nothing more
Than to cry
And not being able to
That
Is something
I wish on nobody
So
Happy
Birthday
Mom
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Wish you were my mother again
Wish you cared enough to care enough
But its not to be
So have a great day
If thats possible
Without me
Or your grandson
Then I should probably go back into the kitchen
And force the tears out
But they wont come
And I dont know if I should be upset about it
Or not.

Dishonor before Death (5-24-07)

9.75 times
Out of 10
Little is without a deeper meaning
When fully unlearned
The clocks hands
Indicate midnight
The chirping of cricket
The screaming child
The unfulfilled promise
The glory of the bullfrog
The futility
Of dreams
An uncut wrist
An unopened bottle
Work upon work
Tax upon tax
Dishonor
Before
Death
LUNGS
DROWNING
In blood
DROWNING
In booze
DROWNING
The pain
DROWNING
The life
DROWNING
Out the living
Honestly though....
What is a life worth lived?
Look around
What is seen?
Blind men
Fucking blind dogs
Blind dicks
PUKING
Bile and sputum
Unto lily white backs
Of children
Who never had a chance
STEEL RODS
Shoved into the pulse
Of
INNOCENCE
Until scared under the bed
To
FLAIL
In tears
And broken knuckles
365 DAYS OF NIGHT
PURPOSE
Is a bad 10 cent knock-knock joke
Told by a club footed
Special needs
Boy
YOU FUCKING REMEMBER HIM?
YOU REMEMBER ANY POOR HAPLESS BASTARD
THAT YOU FUCKED WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Even back then
He knew
What we are only now
Scratching the surface of
SPOONFULS OF HATE
Packed
Into cherry flavored suppositories
For your convenience
Make mine a DOUBLE
And leave the bottle
If I wanted to hear a weak-ass-cunt talk
I would look into the mirror
There he is now
Perpetually hung over eyes
Broken teeth
Same dumbfounded look in his eyes
For 33 fucking years
I hope
And pray
He dies in his sleep
BUT ONLY
After the most
FANTASTIC
Dream
Wakes him up
And he suddenly has
*PURPOSE*
And then...
BAM !!
GIVE IT TO HIM
SHARP
CRISP
UNDILUTED

UNRELENTING
CARDIAC ARREST
NO CHASER

*Ive never hated anyone but myself
BUT
That hate
Is carried on the wings of angels
Grinning sidekicks
In steel toed boots
KICKING me smartly in the ribs
Whenever I think
About feeling
Anything but depression
The misadventures of indiscriminate pill popping and huckleberry hallucinations
Veering off the road
While scratching at mosquito bites that dont exist
HEADLONG
INTO
NO
WAY
OUT
By way of neatly packaged
DEATH
TRIPS
Tied with red ribbons
Of disappointment
I have never met a person
That I didnt let down
Its become a sport
And Im a motherfucking MVP
It keeps on giving
And giving
And giving
And going
And going
And
Going
Like the constant chatter
Of too many people
Having too little
To say
Or myself
Having so much to say
But then
Suddenly
Stopping.